The Internet is chalk-full of conflicting advice in a dating culture that did not have “relationship experts” just twenty-years ago. Back in 1998, there was no industry of coaches and counselors who offered paid sessions where to offer advice on your particular dating or relationship issue.
Just do a Google search for something like, “Tell her you like her over text,” and you will encounter a slew of GARBAGE. Fifty-percent of the results on the first page will list forums or blog posts on how it’s NOT a good idea—and the other fifty-percent will say the opposite. Who’s right? Who’s got the wisdom. Let’s delve into some REALITY and COMMON SENSE.
Establish Where You Stand
Be Your True and Authentic Self
Forget listening to all the confusing and polar opposite advice when it comes to dating or how to deal with an issue in your relationship. I always advocate to first listen to your gut and stop getting your counsel from people who don’t know what they’re talking about. Each person is a unique individual with specific circumstances and conditions. It’s not that simple concerning blanket advice on dating or relationship skills and the dynamic of attraction.
Personal Battles with Just Being Myself
For me, I have recently been seeing a young woman who I am interested in. Without getting into specifics, I had to recently come to grips with my core identity as a man—by passionately REJECTING everything I recently heard or read about concerning how to deal with mixed feels and relational complexity on “friend-zones,” establishing better communication, etc. There’s really a world of confusion out there among this present generation because so many diverse opinions exist.
Many young 20 or 30-somethings are unclear on what a healthy relationship is. There’s so much fear and intensity out there about how not to approach someone the wrong way as to not come across too needy. Truth is, I have unique circumstances in the relationship I am currently in. The person I am seeing has unique circumstances, and to be honest—there’s no cookie-cutter approach that will solve my relationship questions that some “dating expert” can offer. I am “me,” plain and simple. I do things my way because I am strong and confident in my values.
Therefore, today I decided to listen deeper to my intrinsic compass by heeding what my gut told me. Questions such as, “Should I text her now or wait another day; Will she think I’m insecure if I bring up that topic?” all fall by the wayside once I get a grip by looking myself in the mirror—literally. I had to look myself in the mirror and boldly proclaim that I know exactly what to do in every circumstance, and that there’s a solution for everything because all things happen for a reason.
There is “nothing new under the sun.” a quote from the Book of Ecclesiastes (1:9) written thousands of years ago by Solomon. Do you think that people in the Enlightenment Era or as far back as the ancient days had different relationship dynamics concerning love and attraction? Think again. We’ve only been human the whole time.
People have been dealing with the same relationship complexities and struggles since the dawn of human existence as we know it. Men and women have interacted through their internal faculties of emotion and chemistry the same way, regardless of changing social norms or stigmas. Though customs and cultural difference exist and change over time, the fundamental way that a man and woman come together through attraction and mutual affection in universal. It’s a natural law.
Share Your Feelings Without Fear
Stop worrying about how to approach the person you are interested in, no matter how long you’ve known or dating them. Just be yourself. Be reasonably prudent in the ways you go about striking up conversion and being honest in communication. Treat the interaction as if you are just coworkers, family members, or longtime neighbors. When you separate the chemistry and emotional attraction from the fact that you are just two people getting to know each other, you realize that we often make it more complicated than it is.
The fact that some people say never to discuss vulnerable topics through text or phone is ridiculous. In a situation where you haven’t been able to see each other in person, and yet the phone is the only means of communicating something meaningful or important—why do you cower and shrink back out of fear? You’re listening to too many “gurus” who don’t know what they’re talking about. Friends and family can be just as bad. We are programmed to a large degree by our surroundings and social influences.
Break free from the mould of conditioning. Do what your inherent volition is driving you to do. Stop constricting yourself unnecessarily, which only causes more fear, discomfort and confusion. Often times once we just boldly say what we need to say and get it over with our worries become silly myths of the past. We never truly know reality sometimes until we take action.
Salvage What You Do Have Together
Friend-Zoning Does Not Truly Exist
Forget what they all say about how not to get caught in the dreaded friend-zone. True platonic relationships cannot exist between a man and woman who are unrelated and have some degree of traits that the other finds attractive. There will always be some overlap of chemistry or emotional connection regardless of the “labels” we place on the relationship status.
Therefore, if you are told that you are just “friends” and it bothers you, listen to your soul concerning what to do about it. If you really like the person, but you’re unsure whether they feel the same way about you, don’t be afraid to just go all-out and discuss it. If you need to bring it up beforehand in a text—who freaking cares? You could be DEAD tomorrow (God forbid) for all you know. Life is too short. Go ahead and live it.
Perhaps there is a genuine romantic connection between the two of you, but the conflicts and frictions of life have fogged it out. Give it time. Listen to what your soul is saying. The truth will always come out, given the chance to blossom and grow. Thus remember, there is NEVER anything wrong with the Truth. The way you feel, the thoughts you have, or the situation you’re in are all part of your reality; don’t ignore it.
Furthermore, if your gut is telling you that the attraction is not real, than just let go. Find something healthy and constructive to do that will get your mind off dwelling about why things aren’t working out. Falling into victim consciousness is a choice.
If Breaking Up is on the Table
State Your Values and Sentiment Toward Her
Bottom line: If you are planning to have “the talk” about possibly breaking up because things aren’t going as expected, you should only exit the relationship after you are absolutely sure that there is no reasonable way to salvage what was lost. You must be EXACTLY SURE of what you are leaving. Otherwise, if you leave stones unturned—or worse, “ghost” the person—you shall set up yourself for severe heartache down the line. No one likes to breakup; no one likes being the one who feels urged to end it, and no one likes being the one who gets rejected.
Therefore, arrange a peaceful place without distraction to talk, and calmly, kindly, and intelligently state your thesis to her (this obviously goes for women speaking to men—I’m just speaking as a man). It might help if you rehearse what you are going to say, by pondering and contemplating the facts.
Also, do some research into this topic. The fact you’re reading this blog post proves your wisdom to seek out that step. Read literature and listen to YouTube videos about relationships from quality teachers. At this time, the only relationship expert I trust and look up to is Susan Winter. She has a great YouTube channel here.
The point I stress here is that you have to be on the same page with the person you have affection for—if you are considering breaking up with them. Just remember, it’s only painful if you leave abruptly out of haste or a hot temper. Don’t leave any stone unturned. Do your best to heal and mend any problems that might just save the relationship. Restoration is always the best solution if possible. Thus, be patient with both yourself and this special person in the process. Sometimes things can turn around at the last minute. Nevertheless, always be faithful and follow through with your intentions in integrity.
Christopher S. Nawojczyk